Tuesday, May 11, 2010


I just thought I would make a quick post to let people know that I haven't forgotten about my Blog, or its followers :-). Things have been very hectic at work lately and although I have started a new post several times, I've just ended up fucking falling asleep before I can finish it. To those of you out there that read my blog I apologize for my absence, I should have what will probably be titled 'Epic Fail' posted some time in the next few days... fly safe, cause I sure don't... :-p

Monday, April 26, 2010

Don't autopilot through a 1.0 system in your brand new Federation Navy Comet when your sec status is -2.4

So... ah... yeah. This is pretty self explanatory: I was autopiloting from my low sec hangout to my mission agent's HQ in my Comet, went AFK to go release some hostages in the Privy, and came back to find my pod sitting next to the now smoking ruin of what used to be my beautiful new ship; which I had purchased not one day earlier... :-(

Lesson to be learned for a n00b pirate such as myself?--> Always pay attention to your security status relative to those of the systems through which you will be traveling when you are planning to autopilot anywhere!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

How in the #@$%! does he do that? Oh... wait... now I see :-/

So as I said in a previous post I have moved back to my original stomping grounds in Everyshore; which also happens to be where I popped my cherry as a pirate, and consequently will always hold a special place in my heart...

To commemorate my return I've decided to switch it up a little bit and jump into a Vexor. My drone and fitting skills are fairly good, and as such I can get pretty decent DPS out of it while still fitting a formidable tank. I'm feeling pretty good about the fitting, especially after Nashh Kadavr posted his latest Help Desk #5: How to Fit a Vexor, here's the less skill intensive variation on that fit that I've been using lately:

1x 1600mm rolled tungsten
1x Damage control 2
2x EANM (or 1x EANM and 1x Explosive hardener if I feel the need for extra explosive resist)

1x 1omn MWD
1x Warp Disruptor 2
1x Langour Drive

4x Modal Light Neutron Particle Accelerator (with Federation Navy Anti-Matter)
1x Small Energy Neutralizer

3x Medium Trimark Armor Pump

5x Hammerhead 2
10x Hobgoblin 2

Now I'd like to bring to light 2 glaring differences between my fitting and Nashh's: 1. He uses 2x heavy, 2x medium, and 1x light drones as a group in order to maximize the drone dps, I don't have good heavy drone skills yet, therefore I have opted not to do this; and 2. His fitting's got a medium Neut/Nos in the last high slot... without sacrificing a trimark for an ancillary current router I just can't do that as I don't have the requisite Squire PG4 Implant (3% bonus to powergrid output).

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Can't Get No Satisf-'action'...

Man... So its been roughly a week since my last post, and I think I need to catch my blog (and its 3 followers :-) up to what's been going on. A little while after popping my cherry I moved from Elarel to Egghelende/Amamake, going on the advice of a fellow pirate who said it was better stomping ground for newbie outlaws. After I got out there I got a few quick kills, but things quickly dried up.

When I first arrived I was impressed with the sheer number of people moving through the systems, with what seemed like plenty of frigate-class vessels for me to hone my new craft on. I was ecstatic, and as I said, I racked up a few quick kills; however since then I seem to be outclassed. For the past week and a half it seems like everyone I see roaming around that area is either in an assault ship, heavy assault ship (HAS from now on), or battlecruiser (BC). The few that I have found wandering around in non-faction, non-tech 2 frigate class ships have been quickly gobbled up by those that are in AS/HAS/BCs. As a result I've come to believe that, foregoing my short lived success when I first arrived in system, I'm in the totally wrong area.

So... I'm packing up my bags and heading for the less traveled roads, basically back to where I started. Oh, I plan to return to Egghelende, but when I'm in a more suitable vessel... Not that I don't have a BS or BC to fly around, and not that I couldn't afford to loose them... I can. I'm just not comfortable with the idea... yet.

So I'm moving back to no-man's land, and I'll be roaming around low sec, and high, looking for some action, until I find somewhere to settle.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Which Fitting: Tough Vs Speedy Fat Man

So I've come to a point where I'm not sure which loadout is better for my Tristan. I've got it narrowed down to two fittings, currently.

The first is passively tanked, and the basic setup that I've been using since I started ganking in low sec a little over a week ago. I've had fairly good success with it, as it can take a quite a beating, and puts out fairly good dps (with my skill level...), but it is relatively slow, and not very agile, as you can see below...

The second load-out, the one which I'm going to test out, and am considering changing to as my primary fitting, is very fast and agile (33% faster and 40% more agile to be exact), does more DPS, but uses an active tank with a Tech II armor repair. I know the idea of active tanking a pvp frigate seems odd, but with the armor repair overloaded I'd actually be able to get as many effective HPs out of it, that is of course assuming that the battle will last the 52 seconds that it takes my capacitor to deplete.

Does anyone have any suggestions as which I should go with, or any advice on how I can make them better?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Popping My Pirate Cherry

Recently, during my second excursion into low sec with the intent to find some poor bastard with skills lesser than or equal to my own and blow his ass to hell, I found myself at Grado tres.

Now I'm sure all of you are asking "WTF is a Grado Tres"? Let me take a moment to explain the vernacular. The words themselves are Spanish, for those that didn't already know. "Grado" meaning "grade" or "level", and "tres" of course meaning "three" (as in "cero, uno, dos, tres"; or zero, one, two, and three, respectively). Now they're use in this context actually refers to the type of hardwood that I've sprouted in my pants at that moment. In other words, for those of you who are not following me, how big of a hard-on I've got (and just in case there's still anyone out there who doesn't understand, I'm talking about my erection). Let me also take a moment to explain how this system works.

At any given time, most men with any sort of libido are usually at Grado uno; this refering to the fact that, while still flaccid, their wang has varying amounts of blood in it, and is ready to grow, or shrink, given the proper stimulus. A grado cero (or grade zero) is actually what most men would refer to as shrinkage, and usually only results from some type of insult to man's ego, or by exposure to cold evironments. Grado dos (or grade two) is a chubby, or the beginings of a hard on; at this point enough positive stimuli have occurred to cause extra blood to flow into the schlong. At this this stage penetration would be difficult, but not impossible. Grado tres (or grade three) is a penis at full salute, if this guy's pants were a tent, his pole would be pitching it. And finally there is Grado cuatro (or grade four). A man at grado cuatro is the most aroused that he is capable being. This is a guy with a hard-on so formidable, that if he's not careful he'll put holes in the wall, and knock down doorjams. Grado cuatro is usually considered un-attainable without assistance from a female (or male, if that's your preference) counterpart. In other words, if you end up Grado cuatro while playing Eve, or any other video game, then you may need psychological rehabilitation.

Now that you've suffered through that long and graphic explanation, you all will at least know what the fuck I'm talking about if I refer to having a "Grado dos" or "Grado tres" during this, or any subsequent posts. In short, it's merely a risqué way for me to refer to my level of excitement at any given time. That being said, let me now return to story that I was about to tell before my ADD took hold and side tracked me.

A few days ago, I made my second trip into low sec, seeking glory and infamy as a pirate. I have an entirely new fitting, that does more dps, and has nearly double the effective HPs of my previous loadout, which, to be quite honest, sucked balls.

I got comfy in my scanning spot, and proceeded to search the nearby belts for a potential victim. Hours went by, and nothing came up on my scanner that I thought was worth trying to kill. What I really mean by that is that I'm a big fat pussy, and I wasn't willing to take on anyone if I wasn't fairly sure that they would be the one who ended up sucking space dust, and not the other way around. However, just as I was getting ready to log, something enticing popped up on my directional scanner, an incursus.

Immediatley I began to twist my screen around my ship's axis while narrowing down the angle on my directional scanner until I had him pin-pointed to an asteroid belt. Then, I hesitated. What if I warped in and this guy just fucking owned me? Then all I would have is another death added to my combat log... No, I had to learn somehow, and if meant getting blown up a shit ton of times so be it. So, I began my warp into the belt.

Then something happened that I didn't expect, as my ship was dropping out of warp my heart started pounding in my chest, and my palms got all sweaty! I was practially trembling with the adrenaline rush that I was getting, from a game!

As I dropped out of warp I could see my potential victim just finishing off the last of three rats, perfect! I started my approach and didn't lock him until I was about 12km away (I figured i didn't want to alarm him too early, and my scram only has a range of about 8km anyways).

Launching my drone, I hit my scram and web just as I got the lock. I sent in my drone, settled in at an orbit of about 1.5km, and began with a barrage of ion blasters and rockets. Just then the faint voice of my onboard computer notified me of my sec status drop :-).

The battle lasted about 30 seconds before he ejected and warped away in his pod, leaving me sitting there with his ships wreckage, and my cock, in hand... It was then that I looked down and realized that I had sprouted a formidable woody, easily a Grado tres...

Never have I been so excited by a video game! I must honestly say that that was the most fun I've ever had playing Eve, or any other game for that matter...

April 1st, 2010: The day I popped my pirate cherry. Just as a girl might try to regrow her hymen (and although she may become a so called "born again virgin"), that membranous ring in the outer one third of her love box will never grow back; I also now know that I can never go back to a life of merely mining and mission running...


So I recently realized that, after having what you might call "blogger's block" for the past few days, I have been holding back in my posts. What have I been holding back? Well after reading some of my drafts I realize that I've failed to let my personality show through into my writing. What I mean by that is that I'm a guy in my late twenties who uses foul language, erotic and probably offensive imagery, and generally has his mind in the gutter at most times the day. Therefore I have decided to hold true to myself, and start writing my blogs with all the gusto that my own twisted, sarcastic, and just down right dirty mind can muster.

That being said, if there are any potential readers out there who are easily offended, then please take this chance to make a mental note not to visit my blog, otherwise you may link to my blog at your own risk, and if you don't like the graphic imagery and foul language that you find there then, ...Bite me.

For everyone else who enjoys a dirty joke, or finds graphic (and often sexual) imagery amusing, and doesn't mind copious amounts of foul language... Welcome!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Quick post...

I was looking in my combat log the other day, and I realized that I really must have had quite the brain fart when I lost my Fat Man (see previous post), cause I didn't even realize that what was attacking me was not a Rifter, but a Jaguar...

So I do feel a little better about loosing my ship not 45 seconds after I began my first outing as a Pirate... for some strange, and homoerotic reason, I take solice in the fact that it was a Tech II cannon that my assailant rammed up the Fat Man's ass before pulling the trigger.

Anyways... Now I'm back, I've got 10 shinny new Tristans, a redesigned fitting, and enough copies of every module to outfit each new Fat Man one time over... Damn it all to hell, I won't be discouraged!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Pop goes the Fat Man....

So a few days ago I finally got my Tristan fitted out in what I thought was good for ganking and headed out to low sec to get my johnson wet in my first act of piracy. I chose a .4 system that was close by my homebase and jumped on through.

When I got into the system I did some quick intel gathering in local. It seemed I had chosen wisely, as there were 2 other pilots. The first was an outlaw with a sec status of about -5.5 and the second seemed to be a noob. I quickly warped to the first belt on the list, thinking that I would then warp to the last belt in that planet/moon system and drop a bookmark halfway there for my safespot.

When I arrived at the first belt I was surprised to find a couple of serpentis rats hanging out there (don't ask me why that surprised me). Then, for reasons that even freudian psycologic theories cannot explain, I thought it would be a good idea to test out my new ship, and loadout, on said rats.

I engaged them, and was feeling pretty proud as I quickly dispatched them both. That pride was soon squashed as I noticed a flashy red thingy on my overview. It seemed that the outlaw had found me and figured I would be easy pickings. Boy did I show him... that he was right! The battle lasted all of about 20 seconds before my Fat Man succumbed to the consistent blows of his 125mm autocannons, and I hadn't even made a respectable dent in his shield.

I did however learn a few things from the battle. First: considering that I forgot my plan within 5 seconds of being in the system, that I apparently have ADD, and Second: It turns out I was right about one thing, my ship fitting was good for ganking... Getting ganked!

It seemed that the outlaw who popped me didn't even think I was worth the effort of ransoming... cause he just left afterwards and I went slinking back to my homebase, with a severely deflated ego.

For your amusment I've written a Haiku that sums all this up in 17 short syllables...

Ship fitted, hopes high
In to low sec, do or die
Dream ends, fly pod fly


I always thought it would fun to roam the various low sec star systems as a pirate in New Eden, but until recently I never had the gumption to follow through with the idea. Something inside me has changed recently that I now find myself not only turning to that life of crime, but starting a blog about it as well!

My introduction to New Eden began approximately 8 months ago, when I found that my interest in Eve had been mysteriously rekindled after a sabatical from MMORPGs that had lasted for almost 4 years.

I created a Minmitar character under a trial account to fool around with, and (after about a month) decided that I liked Gallente better and created a new character of that race instead. Since then I have spent several months mining, ratting, and mission running like a good carebear... all the while having this nagging feeling that there was something worth doing in New Eden that was far more exciting, and more fun! I knew at that time that that "something" was piracy, but as I said before I just never had the balls to fit a ship for pvp, go barreling into low sec, and turn my guns on some stranger whom I neither knew, nor had any previous quarrel with.

Well now I've quite miraculously, and recently, grown a pair of great big hairy balls between my legs; and as testosterone crashes into my bloodstream in quantities far larger than my body has ever previously known, I begin my journey anew in Eve, as a fledgling pirate almost certainly destined to be popped time and time again.

This post, and those that are to follow, will be the chronicles of my rise to infamy. Or quite possibly the ramblings and grumblings of my numerous failures, depending on how my new life of crime goes. Either way I expect that it will be some chimeric mixture of both. Also, let me take the time to welcome all potential new blog followers, I'm sure that I'll end up following many of your blogs as well, and I look forward to all the potential comraderies and exchanges that I'm hoping we'll share.