Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Popping My Pirate Cherry

Recently, during my second excursion into low sec with the intent to find some poor bastard with skills lesser than or equal to my own and blow his ass to hell, I found myself at Grado tres.

Now I'm sure all of you are asking "WTF is a Grado Tres"? Let me take a moment to explain the vernacular. The words themselves are Spanish, for those that didn't already know. "Grado" meaning "grade" or "level", and "tres" of course meaning "three" (as in "cero, uno, dos, tres"; or zero, one, two, and three, respectively). Now they're use in this context actually refers to the type of hardwood that I've sprouted in my pants at that moment. In other words, for those of you who are not following me, how big of a hard-on I've got (and just in case there's still anyone out there who doesn't understand, I'm talking about my erection). Let me also take a moment to explain how this system works.

At any given time, most men with any sort of libido are usually at Grado uno; this refering to the fact that, while still flaccid, their wang has varying amounts of blood in it, and is ready to grow, or shrink, given the proper stimulus. A grado cero (or grade zero) is actually what most men would refer to as shrinkage, and usually only results from some type of insult to man's ego, or by exposure to cold evironments. Grado dos (or grade two) is a chubby, or the beginings of a hard on; at this point enough positive stimuli have occurred to cause extra blood to flow into the schlong. At this this stage penetration would be difficult, but not impossible. Grado tres (or grade three) is a penis at full salute, if this guy's pants were a tent, his pole would be pitching it. And finally there is Grado cuatro (or grade four). A man at grado cuatro is the most aroused that he is capable being. This is a guy with a hard-on so formidable, that if he's not careful he'll put holes in the wall, and knock down doorjams. Grado cuatro is usually considered un-attainable without assistance from a female (or male, if that's your preference) counterpart. In other words, if you end up Grado cuatro while playing Eve, or any other video game, then you may need psychological rehabilitation.

Now that you've suffered through that long and graphic explanation, you all will at least know what the fuck I'm talking about if I refer to having a "Grado dos" or "Grado tres" during this, or any subsequent posts. In short, it's merely a risqué way for me to refer to my level of excitement at any given time. That being said, let me now return to story that I was about to tell before my ADD took hold and side tracked me.

A few days ago, I made my second trip into low sec, seeking glory and infamy as a pirate. I have an entirely new fitting, that does more dps, and has nearly double the effective HPs of my previous loadout, which, to be quite honest, sucked balls.

I got comfy in my scanning spot, and proceeded to search the nearby belts for a potential victim. Hours went by, and nothing came up on my scanner that I thought was worth trying to kill. What I really mean by that is that I'm a big fat pussy, and I wasn't willing to take on anyone if I wasn't fairly sure that they would be the one who ended up sucking space dust, and not the other way around. However, just as I was getting ready to log, something enticing popped up on my directional scanner, an incursus.

Immediatley I began to twist my screen around my ship's axis while narrowing down the angle on my directional scanner until I had him pin-pointed to an asteroid belt. Then, I hesitated. What if I warped in and this guy just fucking owned me? Then all I would have is another death added to my combat log... No, I had to learn somehow, and if meant getting blown up a shit ton of times so be it. So, I began my warp into the belt.

Then something happened that I didn't expect, as my ship was dropping out of warp my heart started pounding in my chest, and my palms got all sweaty! I was practially trembling with the adrenaline rush that I was getting, from a game!

As I dropped out of warp I could see my potential victim just finishing off the last of three rats, perfect! I started my approach and didn't lock him until I was about 12km away (I figured i didn't want to alarm him too early, and my scram only has a range of about 8km anyways).

Launching my drone, I hit my scram and web just as I got the lock. I sent in my drone, settled in at an orbit of about 1.5km, and began with a barrage of ion blasters and rockets. Just then the faint voice of my onboard computer notified me of my sec status drop :-).

The battle lasted about 30 seconds before he ejected and warped away in his pod, leaving me sitting there with his ships wreckage, and my cock, in hand... It was then that I looked down and realized that I had sprouted a formidable woody, easily a Grado tres...

Never have I been so excited by a video game! I must honestly say that that was the most fun I've ever had playing Eve, or any other game for that matter...

April 1st, 2010: The day I popped my pirate cherry. Just as a girl might try to regrow her hymen (and although she may become a so called "born again virgin"), that membranous ring in the outer one third of her love box will never grow back; I also now know that I can never go back to a life of merely mining and mission running...


Georgeon said...

In your definition of the different grado, you failed to metion what grado dos was. Is this on purpose? Are we supposed to infer that dos is the normal state of being?

BadKarma1980 said...

You should read it a bit closer... maybe you skipped a line by accident?

But no, grado dos is not the normal state of being, that would be grado uno

BadKarma1980 said...

from above:

"Grado dos (or grade two) is a chubby, or the beginings of a hard on; at this point enough positive stimuli have occurred to cause extra blood to flow into the schlong. At this this stage penetration would be difficult, but not impossible."